so i got married two days ago and it is interesting that since all the stress of the wedding is over i have been fairly symptom free which is amazing. I don't know if i have just had a stress level that has been so high that now that its over i don't feel the need to compulse. don't get me wrong i know that it is going to come back, i am just enjoying the partial freedom.
i feel safer and more secure, i can't explain the shift in my feelings but it is doing wonders for my self confidence right now.
i guess i just wanted to check in and say i got through my whole wedding day with out a single seizure! And that is a beautiful feeling. I am so proud of myself.
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Friday, June 3, 2011
The significance of 495/mo or 16.5/day
I would love to say that 495 was my rent per month and that thank god it isn't the amount of money I make per day. Those numbers actually represent the number of pills I get to swallow per month and the number of pill I take a day spread across 4 different dosing times. Now I should clarify that 255 of those pills are psychiatric medications. All of those are taken 1-4 times a day. Every week it is a struggle for me to get my pills set up for the week. Making sure that everything is in the correct position and that the doses are correct. To make matters worse, there are two of my medications that I take 4 times a day that are the exact same size and shape, one happens to be white and the other happens to be a slightly darker yellowish white. Every Sunday I sit on my bed with my basket of pill bottles and experience a huge range of emotions. Anxiety- that I am going to miss dose myself, Fear- that I am going to forget to put a pill in, Terror- that I might drop a pill and one of the rabbits will eat it and die, Anger- that I am on so many pills, Shame- that I am on so many pills, Rebellion- that I have to take all the pills, and lastly Sadness- that by even missing one dose I turn into this frantic checking high anxiety hyper focused person how is so obsessed, compulsing, and anxious that she feels sick. I just want to be able to have a normal day where I don't worry about whether or not I have taken the medication, that I have packed all the pills that I am going to need for the day. I just don't want to feel broken. I count every pills that I take every day, Morning has 5, Lunch has 3, Dinner has 2.5, Bedtime has 6.
I go between being OK with the fact that I am on so many medications to wanting to go off them entirely, I tell my friends and some of my family and we have the same conversation every time. You can't go off the medication, you know how you feel when you don't take them, how sick you are. But I don't want to take all these pills, I feel ashamed, like I am broken, you don't understand you aren't the one that is taking them all. Then I get upset because I have friends/family that are on antidepressants and are completely different people, while I am on two different antidepressants and a sedative and I still can't get a day where I don't feel depressed at some point. It gets harder and harder to stay on a protocol when you aren't getting the relief that other people are getting. It is frustrating and even more depressing to be completely honest. And I understand the reasoning around why people respond differently to the different medications, I do. I educate myself on them and I am also a scientist. Which sometimes makes the whole situation even worse because I get frustrated that the Pharmaceutical industry hasn't perfected a medication to tackle what I have going on. Its a pity party I know. But it is hard, when the topic of medication comes up in my support group, we all go around the room. Oh I am on this that and the other thing someone will say, well that didn't work for me, oh that one made me so sick and I slept all the time. Nothing seems to do the trick for anyone but we all seem to be on everything on the market! What is even more frustrating is when you are stuck with multiple conditions like yours truly, it becomes hard to not be on a complete cocktail of drugs.
It is hard for me and I am for the most part compliant with all of my medications, but imagine how hard it is for people who can't keep their pills straight or stay on time with the dosing schedules. For all the people that are homeless because they are mentally ill and can't stay on their medication I feel for them, even with insurance the Rx costs add up, it is hard sometimes for me to make ends meet when it comes to all the CBT therapy every week, the psychiatrist visit every month on top of all the pills and the gas money to get to all the appointments. I will say it being Mentally Ill is EXPENSIVE!!!!
You are supposed to be a protected category for work but in my case my doctor won't write a note for me saying that I need work accommodations because he thinks I will be discriminated against anyway. It is like you are stuck between a rock and a hard place. For me when ever I start a new psychiatric medication it ALWAYS makes me sick, nauseated, dizzy you name it I experience it, and sometimes it makes me late to work, and when asked why were you late, well I was sick, oh what are you sick with? oh just the psych meds that allow me to function at work! You don't ever say that, people already have such bad ideas about people who have mental disorders/illnesses that the last thing you want to say is that you are on psychiatric medication. Honestly it can be a complete and total nightmare.
This whole thing is nothing I would wish on anyone...no one deserves this.
I go between being OK with the fact that I am on so many medications to wanting to go off them entirely, I tell my friends and some of my family and we have the same conversation every time. You can't go off the medication, you know how you feel when you don't take them, how sick you are. But I don't want to take all these pills, I feel ashamed, like I am broken, you don't understand you aren't the one that is taking them all. Then I get upset because I have friends/family that are on antidepressants and are completely different people, while I am on two different antidepressants and a sedative and I still can't get a day where I don't feel depressed at some point. It gets harder and harder to stay on a protocol when you aren't getting the relief that other people are getting. It is frustrating and even more depressing to be completely honest. And I understand the reasoning around why people respond differently to the different medications, I do. I educate myself on them and I am also a scientist. Which sometimes makes the whole situation even worse because I get frustrated that the Pharmaceutical industry hasn't perfected a medication to tackle what I have going on. Its a pity party I know. But it is hard, when the topic of medication comes up in my support group, we all go around the room. Oh I am on this that and the other thing someone will say, well that didn't work for me, oh that one made me so sick and I slept all the time. Nothing seems to do the trick for anyone but we all seem to be on everything on the market! What is even more frustrating is when you are stuck with multiple conditions like yours truly, it becomes hard to not be on a complete cocktail of drugs.
It is hard for me and I am for the most part compliant with all of my medications, but imagine how hard it is for people who can't keep their pills straight or stay on time with the dosing schedules. For all the people that are homeless because they are mentally ill and can't stay on their medication I feel for them, even with insurance the Rx costs add up, it is hard sometimes for me to make ends meet when it comes to all the CBT therapy every week, the psychiatrist visit every month on top of all the pills and the gas money to get to all the appointments. I will say it being Mentally Ill is EXPENSIVE!!!!
You are supposed to be a protected category for work but in my case my doctor won't write a note for me saying that I need work accommodations because he thinks I will be discriminated against anyway. It is like you are stuck between a rock and a hard place. For me when ever I start a new psychiatric medication it ALWAYS makes me sick, nauseated, dizzy you name it I experience it, and sometimes it makes me late to work, and when asked why were you late, well I was sick, oh what are you sick with? oh just the psych meds that allow me to function at work! You don't ever say that, people already have such bad ideas about people who have mental disorders/illnesses that the last thing you want to say is that you are on psychiatric medication. Honestly it can be a complete and total nightmare.
This whole thing is nothing I would wish on anyone...no one deserves this.
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