Self realizations can hurt alot

So yeah realizing that in fact you are mentally ill is really very painful I used to always say well at least I don't hoard and I don't have contamination that bad to the point that I have hurt my hands and and least I have escaped with out scrupulocity. Well none of that is actually true. I had the realization that I am a hoarder and I am someone that has hurt them selves badly with their contamination issues. I am having a platelet enriched plasma injection treatment on my left plantar fascia right now bc I have been tip toeing around for the past 15 years after taking showers and have done so much damage to the tendon that much of it is scar tissue and I gotta say. I am pissed off with my self for fucking up my foot it has been pain ful for so many years and still i continued to damage it. With no regard for the pain only obsessed with contaminates on my floor that may or may not actually exsist. Now I am going through this painful procedure that lasts a month and then I won't know if it worked for up to 6 weeks follOwing and right now laying in bed I am in enough pain and yell out about it. I hate being stuck in bed on "rest" I am so obsEssive right now I am not surprised my husband is finding other things to do than hang out in bed with me all day. All I have been doing is crying I have become the person I kept saying I wasn't. I don't want any of this I don't understand what I am meant to learn from this lesson about my karma; I don't understand.

waiting and getting worse.

so my paper work is in for review for the treatment center i am trying to get into. however the lady that is reviewing my application and ultimately making the decision as to whether or not i will be waitlisted for the program is going on vacation for ten days starting tomorrow.  i am sick over this. i am crumbling. it is showing in my eyes now my mask is cracking and my coworkers can see i am sinking.  i am not eating again. not really keeping up with my fluids but staying on my meds i know it is unhealthy and dangerous but there is no drive to nourish myself. by sharing this i expect to catch some hell from friends that read this blogg.  part of me wants to fall off the planet for a while until things get better but with this spiral, this one, it is going to take alot of work to get out of the nose dive. this isn't something time will heal and equilibrate. i know that much, this feel much more different, much more out of control than places i have been to in the past. I don't like the place I am in right now and I want to leave but i can't find the way out and i feel desperate.  i felt like....like...if these people who are making this treatment decision could just see me or read this then maybe they would understand that maybe their forms don't capture the darkness of waking up at 2:23 AM for the 5th night in a row holding your breath to listen for some sound you thought you heard and fighting the urge to check it.  maybe i am the one that doesn't understand the importance of taking a ten day vacation. could be because i haven't had one in years.

Some solace in music

I was listening to my iTouch this morning on my way to work this morning and I found peace in Adele singing Love song, it reminded me of laying in bed with my husband last night and just feeling a moment of calm in the chaos...  the words have such dept to me right now and whether or not i can say it all the time to him I will always love him.

Love Song

Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am home again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am whole again

Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am young again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am fun again

However far away, I will always love you
However long I stay, I will always love you
Whatever words I saw, I will always love you
I will always love you

Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am free again
Whever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am clean again

However far away, I will always love you
However long I stay, I will always love you
Whatever words I say, I will always love you
I will always love you

However far away, I will always love you
However long I stay, I will always love you
Whatever words I say, I will always love you
I'll always love you, I'll always loveyou
'Cause I love you

well you look fine to me

i heard that three times today. as if that is some how supposed to make me feel better on some level like it is going to glue my pieces back together make me feel less broken, less paper thin and fragile.  i have started asking people at work to remind me to take a break and eat something for lunch.  when i am completely obsessed with something and compulsing i forget to take a bathroom break, i forget to take enough breathes and get light headed, i forget to take my medications and get even worse, i forget to eat food and feel sick, i forget to drink fluids and feel sick.  my supervisor when i told him what was happening said well you look fine to me, so did another girl at work, and so did a lady in our HR department.  It is the look i perfected after my mother died and my world was falling apart around me.  it was utter chaos all the time inside my head and that is where i kept it, bottle up inside. only letting it out from time to time when i physically couldn't hold it in any more and i think that is when the OCD got markedly worse.  I am trying desperately right now to shove all the chaos inside me into this box in my head, not let it show in my eyes, but it is starting to slip now, and i am tired.  my friends ask me how long have you been feeling this way you seem like you have been doing fine.  yeah well i have trying to make everyone think that i have been doing fine because if everyone else believes then maybe i will to and then it will be true.  incase you are wondering that is the definition of DENIAL.  truth be told if i had to guess i think that things started to slip away from me at the start of the year. i don't know what triggered it, sometimes it is nothing, this disorder has a mind of its own away from the rest of reality. which i think makes it so hard to treat and why there is no cure. 

i had to sit in my car this morning and give myself  a pep talk to make it to work this morning, tell myself you are ok, it is just work, you know how to do your job, you have to go in, you need the money, you need to just work until november, just make it until then, just until you can get the help, and then they will help you put the pieces back together, just alittle bit longer, just hang in there is what i keep telling myself even now.  i am holding back tears all day.  it is getting hard because sometimes my hands aren't very steady and that isn't go in my line of work and then i feel useless. 

where ever i do lose it i hope that i can come back and find all the pieces.