waiting and getting worse.

so my paper work is in for review for the treatment center i am trying to get into. however the lady that is reviewing my application and ultimately making the decision as to whether or not i will be waitlisted for the program is going on vacation for ten days starting tomorrow.  i am sick over this. i am crumbling. it is showing in my eyes now my mask is cracking and my coworkers can see i am sinking.  i am not eating again. not really keeping up with my fluids but staying on my meds i know it is unhealthy and dangerous but there is no drive to nourish myself. by sharing this i expect to catch some hell from friends that read this blogg.  part of me wants to fall off the planet for a while until things get better but with this spiral, this one, it is going to take alot of work to get out of the nose dive. this isn't something time will heal and equilibrate. i know that much, this feel much more different, much more out of control than places i have been to in the past. I don't like the place I am in right now and I want to leave but i can't find the way out and i feel desperate.  i felt like....like...if these people who are making this treatment decision could just see me or read this then maybe they would understand that maybe their forms don't capture the darkness of waking up at 2:23 AM for the 5th night in a row holding your breath to listen for some sound you thought you heard and fighting the urge to check it.  maybe i am the one that doesn't understand the importance of taking a ten day vacation. could be because i haven't had one in years.