On Sunday I miscarried my baby. I was 8 weeks pregnant.
All the doctors say not to blame yourself, that there was nothing that you could do to change the outcome.
I could swallow that alittle better if i hadn't seen my baby's heart beat on monday...it was 108 bpm. which i am now told is too slow, that there was probably something wrong already. at the time everyone said oh your baby is fine. which i find hard to believe now.
Now its more than a week later and here i am with out my child and ravaged by my OCD and depression.
I had worked so hard to keep the OCD away from my baby and now it is ripping me limb from limb, yelling in my head, bringing on PNES.
I have the thoughts....you didn't do something right, now your babys dead. you should have done everything so perfectly, you failed. you shouldn't have shut out the OCD, you would have been more careful. you killed your child. did you honestly think everything was going to work out? you don't deserve to be a mother.
And it goes on. every second it goes on. and i am reminded of the death with every twinge of pain i have from the D & C surgery I on Sunday. everything was so rushed, first i was getting blood and an IV done by the clumsiest nurse i have ever had...i have two 2"x3" painful bruises on my left hand and arm because of her. then the er doctor saying well i think you are miscarrying, don't worry they are very common we see usually 1 or 2 of them a day here. YES BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT I WANT TO HEAR. jackass. then an internal exam. the waiting. then the ultrasound. i can't see the screen but my husband and the technician can. silence. what do you see. i don't know (my husband). more silence. theres no heartbeat (the technician). no no that can't be right, i saw it on monday, keep looking. theres nothing, the fetus is dead. then i lose it, all the tech says is hold still i need to get pictures for the doctor. the tech says it isn't your fault there is nothing that anyone could have done. then she shares the horrible story that she lost her child at birth, that you can't change if the child is going to live or die. then i am back in the er. another nurse...something about my baby being with God and God's will. All shit I don't believe in, it only makes me feel worse.
then the ob doctor comes in. we need to do surgery to remove the placental material and i think that we should do testing on the tissue to see if there was a genetic defect that caused this miscarriage. then i am wisked up to the OR. i am only in bay 9 of prep for 10 minutes then in comes the anesthesiologist with a barrage of questions. he starts an IV, he should have been down in the ER doing them instead of that klutz. then i am in the OR and while i am still awake i am getting strapped to the table. then something in my IV that makes me slip away along with the nitrous in my face mask.
then i am coming too to hear the anesthesiologist say well 130kg is really heavy....asshole talking about my weight. that the thing i hear when i am coming too and is stuck in my mind. like i need something else to feel worthless over.
the more i come to the more blinding pain i am in. i can feel bleeding. i know i haven't peed myself. then a hot heating lamp over me. all i want to do is get out of the pile of blankets and break that light.
I feel so numb writing all of this down but it has to come out.
the rest is a blurr. i could write it down but it wouldn't matter.
Now i am back home. i left work know about the surgery, that we lost our child. all i get is thank you for the update followed by another email get a doctors note to cover your absence. how cold do you have to be. i write back how insensitive it all is, i will bring you the note.
and now i am home alone. my husband is back to work. and here i am. alone. hollow and alone.
