Out of inpatient and into the day program

It was relalitvely smooth sailing and then the proverbial shit hit the fan. My insurance didn't want to pay the night fee to keep me in the full residential program at McLeans and I am unable to pay the night fee to stay in the program as a resident. Friday i left in patient. 

I am at home. I will back at McLeans as a day patient on Tuesday.  I just have to make it until Tuesday with ALMOST Zero Rituals.

My cat Georgie knows i am in trouble, when i am ruminating or starting to or when the intrusive thoughts have my in a choke hold.  He keeps running up to me and pats at me wants me to pay with him.

I am praying for my own strenght


God give me the strenght to accept the things that i can not change
The strength to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Frustrations in treatment

like frustrations outside of the unit there are frustrations inside of treatment.  it is very challenging.  there are alot of ackward social interactions that take place here. there are alot of people in this place that don't know how to keep the proper distance from other people.  there are people that are actually stealing from other people because their OCD makes them so obsessed with having something that someone else has that it seems to take over them.  I am now finding myself more leery of people than when i came in and i don't like where it is taking me. 

my temper is getting shorter and shorter and i think that it must be a function of the ocd getting more and more starved with the lack of rituals that i am doing.  i have been starving that little bastard and not letting it live my life instead of me.  I won't tolerate this anymore.

there comes a point where now i am looking at the gains i have made, and how far i have come. and the times that i had lost and now i REFUSE absolutely refuse to live that life over again.

I am saddened though that i wasn't able to see the damage and the loss

all the pain to myself and the people around me.

i am now seeing how much life i can and will have. and i have gained something i haven't had before. hope and i am looking forward to what life has to give to me and what i can take from it.  I am alittle scared admittedly to go into this new life, i am not quite sure what to do with it.

Day 46 in Treatment

Hey everyone it has been a really long time since i last wrote on here and a lot has happened.  i am getting back into my artwork, as i am beating back the OCD it is getting more aggressive in the rituals that i haven't worked on yet.  It has acquired a new symptom which is the body tap symmetry, i am finding that i have to touch parts of my body symmetrically ie the pressure.  it is a buzzing sensation, almost an itching sensation.  it is hard because i have only become aware of this over the last 36-48 hrs. 

In other areas i am making tremendous progress even though at times it is very hard for me to see it, the OCD has a very good way of clouding your self confidence and making you feel like a small person.  which is sad. and it has robbed so many people that i am here with of everything.

i am not willing to go through this again, i will never let me life get this bad again.  i won't let it take away so many parts of my life again.  to cause me so much pain. this condition is physically painful. 

again reach out get help if you need it.