sometimes like now i feel like i am in a spiral nose dive and i am getting closer and closer to the ground and i am going to crash any second. i had the treatment done on my foot and i am in a phenomenal amount of pain from the whole thing. the doctor is saying that it is going to take another three weeks before we know if it has helped at all. the whole thing has been really hard to endure and the whole mental aspect surrounding it has been particularly challenging. i know that i have started again to withdraw further and further from my friends and i have completely pushed my family away.
i have found that i am even with drawing further from my support group and while i don't want to do it i just don't know how to reach out right now. i feel so alone and stuck. and i know that i am not. but i feel like i am so alone. at home i feel as though my husband is avoiding me, i have asked him about it and he says that he isn't spendign all this time online becuase of me it is becuase work is stressful and i am not sure that i can believe him on it . the paranoia is getting worse too on a lot of things. it is hitting hard at work with two new hires in my department i don't like to be around them which makes it hard becuase for a portion of the day i am supposed to be around them and it is so stressful i am almost seizing about it.
i havebeen having what i have termed meltdowns where i just burst into tears and start hyperventaliating and the anxiety is so bad that it just completely cripples me. it is so horrible. i am back to really not eating anything.
all i can say is thank god i got into the treatment center that i applied to and i got in for treatment December 5, 2011
