well you look fine to me

i heard that three times today. as if that is some how supposed to make me feel better on some level like it is going to glue my pieces back together make me feel less broken, less paper thin and fragile.  i have started asking people at work to remind me to take a break and eat something for lunch.  when i am completely obsessed with something and compulsing i forget to take a bathroom break, i forget to take enough breathes and get light headed, i forget to take my medications and get even worse, i forget to eat food and feel sick, i forget to drink fluids and feel sick.  my supervisor when i told him what was happening said well you look fine to me, so did another girl at work, and so did a lady in our HR department.  It is the look i perfected after my mother died and my world was falling apart around me.  it was utter chaos all the time inside my head and that is where i kept it, bottle up inside. only letting it out from time to time when i physically couldn't hold it in any more and i think that is when the OCD got markedly worse.  I am trying desperately right now to shove all the chaos inside me into this box in my head, not let it show in my eyes, but it is starting to slip now, and i am tired.  my friends ask me how long have you been feeling this way you seem like you have been doing fine.  yeah well i have trying to make everyone think that i have been doing fine because if everyone else believes then maybe i will to and then it will be true.  incase you are wondering that is the definition of DENIAL.  truth be told if i had to guess i think that things started to slip away from me at the start of the year. i don't know what triggered it, sometimes it is nothing, this disorder has a mind of its own away from the rest of reality. which i think makes it so hard to treat and why there is no cure. 

i had to sit in my car this morning and give myself  a pep talk to make it to work this morning, tell myself you are ok, it is just work, you know how to do your job, you have to go in, you need the money, you need to just work until november, just make it until then, just until you can get the help, and then they will help you put the pieces back together, just alittle bit longer, just hang in there is what i keep telling myself even now.  i am holding back tears all day.  it is getting hard because sometimes my hands aren't very steady and that isn't go in my line of work and then i feel useless. 

where ever i do lose it i hope that i can come back and find all the pieces.