Self realizations can hurt alot

So yeah realizing that in fact you are mentally ill is really very painful I used to always say well at least I don't hoard and I don't have contamination that bad to the point that I have hurt my hands and and least I have escaped with out scrupulocity. Well none of that is actually true. I had the realization that I am a hoarder and I am someone that has hurt them selves badly with their contamination issues. I am having a platelet enriched plasma injection treatment on my left plantar fascia right now bc I have been tip toeing around for the past 15 years after taking showers and have done so much damage to the tendon that much of it is scar tissue and I gotta say. I am pissed off with my self for fucking up my foot it has been pain ful for so many years and still i continued to damage it. With no regard for the pain only obsessed with contaminates on my floor that may or may not actually exsist. Now I am going through this painful procedure that lasts a month and then I won't know if it worked for up to 6 weeks follOwing and right now laying in bed I am in enough pain and yell out about it. I hate being stuck in bed on "rest" I am so obsEssive right now I am not surprised my husband is finding other things to do than hang out in bed with me all day. All I have been doing is crying I have become the person I kept saying I wasn't. I don't want any of this I don't understand what I am meant to learn from this lesson about my karma; I don't understand.