Symmetry, grocery stores, and the significance of 3

My first memory of dealing with symmetry that has stuck with me in a more profound way was in the second grade when we were learning how to write in cursive.  it wasn't the act of writing the letters perfectly the first time that i was so concerned about, it was how the piece of paper that was on my desk was lined up in comparison to its position on my small desk.  then came where to put my pencil when i was done writing.....did it go to the right of the paper, the left, the top, the bottom? what about the eraser? did it go with the pencil or did it have its own place? was that piece of paper really parallel with the sides of the desk in the exact center of the desk? these were the questions that were going through my head (obviously i wasn't using parallel in my vocabulary back then but in reality everything to me must be either parallel, perpendicular, or at a 45* angle).  I remember bringing home a note to my mother that said your daughter seems more interested in organizing her desktop than focusing on the lesson, please have her complete this work sheet and bring it back tomorrow.  Still I continued focusing on the symmetry of my desk and then the symmetry obsession expanded off of my desk, to the rows of desks, to the items up on the decorated boards, to the ceiling tiles, out into the hallway how were the floor tiles laid, the door frames, lockers, windows that were open, blinds.....it goes on and on and on. Even now the symmetry obsession is the strongest obsession i have and the one that seems to resist the CBT therapy so well.  If I am feeling particularly stressed i will start to line up everything around me in a symmetrical manner, and i mean everything.

I am sure that i will come back to symmetry later in this post but for now lets move on to the grocery store, which actually is a prime trigger for my symmetry to kick in hard core.  I have to say that one of my favorite stores to go shopping in is Market Basket not just because the prices are awesome but also because they keep their shelves so neat and tidy, i find it visually soothing there.  But there is still the compulsion to face all the items on the shelves and make everything even and neat.  I have another problem at the grocery store, it is that i never want to take the first of anything on the shelves.  I am the person that will take the middle or last item from the very back of the line of items.  Doesn't matter where....bulk purchases, small purchases.  Many people are able to run into the grocery store and get the following items: baby food, milk, eggs, bread  (we will keep the list simple), and it might take them 10 or so minutes to get in and out.  they walk over grab whatever milk is in the front of the line of cartons, eggs on top of the pile, whatever loaf of bread is right in front and grab what ever baby food they need.  I will walk you through my process when getting those four items... Milk- is there anything that is dirtying the outside of the carton, does it leak if i hold it to one side, is it cold enough, reject it if it is the first item, someone might have picked it up and decided they didn't want it when they got up to the counter and it could have taken an hour to get back into the cooler section.  Now i realize that may be a little extreme for the average person, and i have done the research you can technically drink milk that has been sitting out in 98F weather for 12 hrs before you are in trouble, But remember this isn't about rationality this is about OCD.  Ok since we are in the dairy section already obsessing about the milk lets go over to the egg case, i prefer the large or jumbo brown eggs (there really is no difference).  First i have to check the exterior of the carton to see if there is any visible damage (reject if there is) don't take the one from the top it usually has a cracked egg in it, check the bottom of the carton for signs of a cracked egg- discolored cartons are a dead give away.  Now time to open the carton, holding it in my left hand i open the lid with my right and gently rock each egg, if they stick in the cradle it is cracked and i reject the whole thing.  I will do this with 6-12 cartons until I find on that is satisfactory (on a bad day that is) alright on to the loaf of bread...this is a touch one, i can't open the bag and inspect every slice...which given the opportunity i might actually do.  first i have to check for bag integrity around the bread, is it squished? are their flies in the bag? is there mold in the bag? does it look contaminated at all? Sometimes i am lucky and settle on the first bag that i pick up.   So now for me comes the absolute nightmare.  Buying jars of baby food, and i don't even have a baby!  I am getting it for my terminal rabbit.  This is the object of many of my obsessions:  She is the one that i am getting the food for.  And i obsess that i am going to in some way harm her because i am careless.  So i feel i must meticulously check each of the small jars of food, i fear they are spoiled or poisoned or something awful.  I can't go into much more... my SUDS (subjective units of discomfort) is approaching a 9 and if i hit a 10 i am going to have a psychogenic nonepileptic seizure.  Too late, but it is ok.

Lets move away from the grocery store and I am going to reveal my obsession with the number 3 and its multiple.  It is simply this, lets say you lock the door and walk away.  Well if i had my way all the time and sometimes this snowballs into multiples of three.  So for me locking the door was lock the door, push on the lock a second time, and then push the lock a third time because i may have unlocked it somehow on my check of the first time i had locked it.  it is the action, then the check of the action and then the check of the check.  Alright i think that is enough for now.