its been a while part of me doesn't know what to say... the self harm is back. i had been doing so well with not engaging in any of it. and then like a bolt lightening i was on my way home and there was that terrible urge again. the one where i just want to run my car off the road, or pull my car off the road and just stand there next to the sturdiest tree i can find the one with the most knots with the most healed damage from one of the winters and just stand there and hit my head over and over and over again in an effort to feel better when i just feel completely lost. it hasn't ever been about the pain. this time it wouldn't be the pain about OCD it would be the pain about the PTSD and the flash backs and the abuse from the ex boyfriend and the assault in college. all the things that i have been "stuffing" according to my therapist and husband. Stuffing is just so much easier. No one wants to deal with this shit all the time. who wants to deal with the memories of the foot ball player that was going to rape you. or the ex that thought you were a possession. if you are that person you can have this all of it but i don't think that there is a person on the planet. even those researchers that have those posters up "Are you the survivor of a an attempted rape? are you depressed??" NO SHIT that is what i want to say to all of them. No only are we depressed but we are haunted by every single person on the planet that triggers that memory.
i don't know why i am so stuck on these topic these days. i am trying really hard to work through them in therapy. i have sorta stopped going to my support group. in some ways i think that it is just a reassurance festival, i get frustrated, in the hospital they said never give reassurance especially if you want the person to get better. My OCD symptoms have been at bay lately. some checking but not much. nothing like before. there are a few people that are in the group that have been through the program at McLeans and I feel like the group should be run differently give the people that are part of the group, a lot of us could be doing more for the people that are coming in but it just seems like a broken tape some days and i would step up and do more but i am so stuck with my PTSD and half the time i am having a silent flash back and i am not even there.
I really need to finish filling out my paper work to get my service dog. my husband and my therapist seem to be annoyed that i haven't done it yet. It is a self worth issues and i am so fucking stubborn. part of me goes what the fuck is the point. now i am going deaf on top of it in my left ear so it would be even more useful.
i am just feeling lost and lonely.
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