lets see. alot has happened since the last time i wrote.
Well first things first. I got laid off from my company, not much I can comment on other than they are taking care of me in terms of severence which was nice of them. So I am not in a huge rush to get back to work honestly. I honestly don't know how I had been working full time, dealing with my OCD full time, commuting 145 miles a day on top of being in a high risk pregnancy.
I have been unemployed now for a total of....8 days (sorry had to look at the calendar).
And in my 8 days of being home, I have realized a number of things. I need to do some serious work on myself still before I can be Mama. Much of the realization came today actually. I had an appointment with my therapist this morning and we were talking about what i wanted to work on. Honestly most of my symptoms are in remission. All except for the nasty eight letter word- hoarding. I need to do some serious work on this issue. I think that the combination of working a ton of hours and coming home and crashing from exhaustion hasn't helped the issue but I will not use it as an excuse.
Really, I feel very nauseated about how it has gotten. I was watching one of my very good friends 8 mo old granddaughter. Just for 2 hours in my house. And I got in the door and it all hit me like a wave. I actually fought back tears going, I don't want to put her down anywhere! I am worse than Level 1 but not as bad as Level 2 and certainly there are no pet accidents in my home, nor are any of the exits blocked.
So she and spent the 2 hours on our bed playing and giggling. I really did want to let her crawl around but in good conscious and being embarassed about the house to a 8 mo I couldn't let her touch the floor.
I have a friend visiting in 10 days and I still have to get the guest room under control so that she will have someplace to sleep! And I want to get our bedroom done by then as well so that I don't have to feel like I have some monster hiding in our room.
So this whole set of realizations set off a cleaning binge on my part. Short lived as it was, I scrubbed our kitchen floor (it really needed it) And now I am sitting in the guest room writing this and I can feel my OCD trying to take over. I can't give in to it. If I do i know that i won't stop. And i know that it is bad for the baby to have my anxiety that high.
I just sit here and wonder how I got here. And no reason seems acceptable. I am really beating myself up, per the usual. I know it isn't constructive. But right now I am just ripping myself to shreds.
Time to practice thought distancing and pick up the pieces tomorrow.
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