been a while

its been a while since i last posted.  i am hitting a rough patch right now and thought that maybe letting this thoughts that are buzzing around my head out it might help my sanity.  my husband and i were pregnant (less than a month along) and there was something that trigger a miscarriage. i don't know if you can call it a miscarriage that early. but that is what i am calling it.  i was experiencing a ton of pregnancy symptoms and talked to my doctor who said go get a home test and take it, i got two positive tests and then a day or so later had another test done at the local womens health clinic and found it negative, a blood test also confirmed it.  i know that there is nothing that i did to cause this to happen but there is the little voice in the back of my head that keeps asking....are you sure, did you not check something, did you touch something that you shouldn't have, did you drink water that was contaiminated or breath air that was contaiminated.  it is hard to get rid of those thoughts. its just hard. and its sad. and depressing. and life doesn't seem to let me stop and pause for a moment.  and my symmetry has taken over most of my thoughts, and i see the lines of symmetry everywhere, in the phone, computer, desk, carpeting, laboratory and all the things i work with, everything at home, the car, when i am driving everything looking for symmetry or trying to find a way to make it symmetrical.  it isn't only the symmetry, for some reason my ocd has latched on to my car is a crazy obsessional manner. and it isn't really about the locking obsession that i work on everyday.  this one is more of a cleaning obsession and getting all the scratches off my car. it is driving me nuts right now.  some days it feels like i am a hamster running in a wheel and not being able to get off.