I didn't realize that I was a hoarder

So i guess on top of checking, contamination, symmetry, and intrusive thougths, I have a problem with hoarding.  My home isn't like what the show Hoarders focuses on, I have a lot of paper work that i am afraid to throw away and have been sucessful in keeping it until last night when my husband decided that the house need to get purged and cleaned last night.  Well this is something that i didn't know was coming and i wasn't warned that we were going to be doing it and i was not happy at all that we were going to wbe working so aggressively on it.  last night my anxiety was so bad at a couple of points that i thought that it might actually kill me.  and i know what all the doctors and nurses have told me in the past that you aren't going to die from an anxiety or panic attack but it sure as hell felt like i was going to die right there on the spot.  i was having pseudoseizures that i could not breathe through at all and i felt like i was going to collapse.  right now i am even upset writing about the whole experience because i want nothing more to do with it even though i am going to go through it all again tonight when we continue to work on it.  it is almost worse now because i know that the episode is going to be coming and i would like to avoid the whole situation if possible.  even medicated and using all of the techniques i have learned in therapy over the past couple years seemed useless in the face of having to get rid of all my paper clutter and start to organize things.  i honestly thought that hoarding was just about the only OCD symptom that i didn't have.  i am embarassed at the fact that the whole time my husband was cleaning up his side of the bed room, the living room, the kitchen, the bathroom i only got 2 baskets of laundry put away and most of the floor cleaned on my side of the bedroom.  i want to cry just thinking about it.  i have to say that i have a new respect for people that have problems with hoarding it felt like i was going to lose complete control of everything if i didn't know what was leaving the house.  my husband was taking out bags of trash and i had no idea what was in them, he kept saying that if it hadn't moved in the last 6 months and was covered in dust that i didn't need to have it anymore because obviously i wasn't going to be using it.  i am still dealing with the compulsions of wanting to drive home from work and go check the trash cans and go through our bags.  I almost did that on the way to work this morning truth be told, but i stopped myself because i thought that it would be really unhealthy. i am dreading going home and working on it again.  i was going to beg my husband to take me to the hospital because i was having such a bad panic attack and it wasn't stopping.

i hope that tonight is better.  i am not sure that i could go through that anxiety again.  it was paralyzing.  i will update or write a new entry probably tomorrow when the issue isn't so raw for me again.