hot and antsy

So from time to time I get the urge to obsess or compulse over some thing and it is hard because in the moments i am not sure what i am anxious about or what is upsetting me.  it is really upsetting to me right now because i think that i had a good day and then this evening it partially went to hell.  we went grocery shopping and the store that we went to moved from the original building to one adjacent.  It shouldn't have been very upsetting but I don't like going into new grocery stores and this was one that I had grown comfortable and now the whole lay out was going to change. 

I started to get paranoid that someone was going to follow me from the parking lot into the grocery store and then try to follow me home after i left and try to kill me there.  Mind you this is all with my husband with me so i don't think that i should've been as apprehensive as i was.  but it was a nightmare. the store was crowded and i was trying to stay with my ERP's for these sorts of situations and to my best effort i did what i could.  but with every aisle i kept seeing repeat faces and that is the part that really gets to me and makes me think that someone is going to try to hurt me.  so my husband doesn't do well in crowds and kept saying that he was ready to go home and i was freaking out because of symmetry and contamination and the crowds of people.  and i started to have the seizures and i hate having them in public.  i am always convinced that someone is going to notice and that they are going to call the ambulance and try to put me in the hospital.  it is a whole intrusive thought that takes me through the state hospital where they won't let me you.  this whole thing is going through my head as i am having the seizures.  i would just rather stay home so that i don't have to deal with the rest of the world because i don't think that they understand how hard it is to get out of the bed most days.  let alone go to the market. 

this heat wave hasn't been helping because i feel like i am either trapped at home or i am trapped around other people.  it is hard because when i am at work i am so worried that the rabbits are going to die from the heat even though we have the air conditioning on and the fans going.  i worry that there is going to be a power outage and then i am going to come home to all of the fish dead and the rabbits dead.  I worry about this the entire time that i am driving home if i am not already obsessing over my husband driving home safely.  I am always worried that someone is going to be dead if i can't get a hold of them.  i get stuck where i just ritualistically call people to the point that they probably want to block my number.

i feel like if i don't check on them enough then there is going to be something that is horribly wrong that is going to hurt them and no one else will be able to catch it.  this has gotten so much worse since both of my grandmothers passing.  i feel so responsible for their deaths even though there was in REALITY nothing that i could have done to save either one of them.  My fathers grandmother died from a brain tumor and i was the one that called her and discovered that she had no clue who i was saying that she had been talking to my mother that had been dead for 7 years.  with my maternal grandmother who i was so close too, she and i clung to each other for comfort ever since my mothers death.  and losing her has crippled me in a way that i am not sure that i can articulate.  I feel orphaned. my side of the family i don't speak too and i think that it is largely because of the fact that i have ocd and depression and anxiety and you name it.  it is just not something that they want to be associated with so i truly feel like an orphan on my side.  my husbands family is really supportive of me and want to know how i am doing all of the time and are really gentle with me if i am obsessing or compulsing around them. which is something that my family can't handle they get so angry and so loud saying we don't understand what you are upset about we are all just sitting here talking.  alot of people just don't understand that i could be seizing about something that happened that was stressful for me over a year ago and have nothing to do with what is happening in the moment.   it is hard.  i just want to scream at them you know my illness isn't about you it is about me and what i am struggling with and what i am trying so hard to do every day to make it through with some level of normalcy.  even now i am upset about the last visit i had with them before our wedding.  sometimes i wonder if i should share this blog with them, other times i think that would just not understand what is happening.  they never seem to ever try.

anyway back to the heat.  i just don't feel like i can get out my nervous energy without getting sick.  hot and depressed is not a good combo.  well that is enough of my drama. thanks for taking the time.