Note Cards, Serenity Prayer, and a blessing in disguise

So truth be told the miscarriage has hit me harder than I would care to admit too but I have been trying to make really positive steps to move forward.  I am using a technique that one of my friends in my support group uses which is to write things that ground her on notecards so that she can take them out when she is having a really hard time.  So i thought well i will give it a shot, and the one thing that i really find alot of knowledge and peace in is the serenity prayer.  I have modified it slightly because I am not strongly religious, I have noticed that I have picked up some international readers so i will post what i use as a grounding mantra.

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;

The courage to change the things I can;

And the wisdom to know the difference

So i have this on a post it note on my dashboard in my car to remind me what I am capable of at the start of my day if I am having a hard time with something in my life.  I also have it on a post it note at my desk at work and another one in the laboratory.

 

This mantra has motivate me to chase after two things in my life that are critically important: understanding my psychogenic non eplileptic seizures better and get ready to have a healthy pregnancy for both me physically and mentally and of course for the baby.

That being said, I have gotten in touch with the folks at McLean Hospital and i am going to strongly note that i am not a patient of theirs and they are really reaching out to help me with this condition and they are such good people with good intentions to help people understand what is going on with themselves mentally.  If you are really stuck and need some help getting in touch with resources you should check out the link that i have on the side of my page to get their contact information.  So that being said they have kindly taken the time to do some research and speak with their medical directors and they have consulted with their other colleauges and have come up with 2 specialist for me to see.  I am amazed that they can find these people becuase i have been looking actively for specialist to help me for the past 2 years since my diagnosis.

My psychiatrist has gotten me in touch with a group of specialist at Mass General Hospital that do consultations for women that have mental illness(es), are on medications, and are either pregnant or trying to get pregnant.  So finally have 26 phone calls I have an appointment for a consultation with them in October of this year. 

These two things i am not sure i would have done if i hadn't been pregnant and miscarried. or i don't know that i would have worked on them as aggressively as i have over the past few days.

My OCD has flared to the point that i am also crippled at times by my contamination fears they are almost worse when i am in the house then when i am outside of the house.  well maybe that isn't entirely true, the issues that i have with paranoia are also hitting hard right now. that has been keeping me from really getting out of the house and doing some shopping.  The contamination is so bad that i am infact terrified to take a shower in my own bathroom because i feel like the whole room is contaminated all of the surfaces and infact most of the floors in my mind are untouchable.  i have it stuck in my head that i bring home awful things on my shoes from my work to my house.  I am not worried about making myself sick i am so worried about making everyone and everything around me so sick that it is going to die.  Like my favorite rabbit, i am perpetually afraid that i am going to do something that is going to kill her and it will be all my fault and i will not be able to forgive myself at all.  That being said for the first time ever i am bringing my husband to a therapy session with me so that he and i and my therapist can put together an ERP plan that can be done at home because i have so much difficulty following through on it by myself.  I will have to write and say how that went.

Well that is all for now, please reachout to someone you know who is struggling or if you are struggling let someone you trust know.