so tomorrow is the big day so to speak. part of me is freaking out about packing and part of me is just so exhausted from riding this emotional rollercoaster i kinda don't care about packing. I have been wanting to pack for a long time and that is one of the rituals that i have been struggling with for years and this time i held out until the night before and it has been a struggle. so i thought that i would take a break from packing and blogg about how i have been feeling about the whole process of going away and the thoughts about getting help and what that is going to potentially mean for me in the near future.
so as it stands right now we are going to be getting up to morrow morning at some ungodly hour along the lines of 5:00 because we are going to be heading into boston. we are going to be leaving the house around 6, and then it is around an hour or so drive. i am sure that i am going to be crying the entire drive down to the institute. Incidently i am going to be going into McLeans OCDI. I am actually going to try to blog while i am there so there might be a flurry of activity from inside there from me but it all depends on how i am feeling but honestly i think that i have to be feeling alot better than i have been feeling for months now.
I am kind happy that i am going to be taken off of my husbands hands for a while at least because it will give him an emotional break from me which is something that i think that we both need. i think that he has been itching to clean up the apartment and i am currently in a place right now that i am freaking out if a kleenex gets thrown out. even now he is cleaning up in the kitchen, kind of jumping the gun if you were to ask my opinion. i am not even out of the house and he is spiking my anxiety.
I am dealing with the anticipation of separation from my husband...my safe person....the one who protects me from my ghosts.*
I will share a little more of myself than i have in the past. I grew up in an emotional and psychologically manipulatively (i would say abusive) home where my father ruled supreme, with the passing of my mother, who was my protector things only got worse and as my OCD got worse the meaner he got. In college I got into a relationship with a guy that tried and almost successfully beat me on a number of occasions and in a failed attempt to limit the people that I saw held me against my will in his home for a number of hours through intimidation and violence. I got away, and didn't look back. This was my freshman and sophmore year then flash to my junior year, during fall finals, a drunk football fratbrother tried to force his way into my apartment on campus and i am forced to handle the situation, the long and short of it was it was very violent, but he didn't get a hold of me. While i bare no physical scars from any of these encounters the emotional damage has been done and these are wounds that have not even healed, they aren't even scars yet. my doctors have told me this is called PTSD.I am not afraid of the treatment that i am going to receive, I am very concerned about how i am going to be able to sleep in a place with a bunch of people i don't know, in a facility that i don't know, that i am not sure is "safe".
Anyway back to packing. I am sure that tomorrow is going to be an adventure, one of my friends from my support group said try to enjoy the ride, and i am honestly going to try to.
*ghosts- ghosts is the term that i use for something that haunts you from your past, for me it is something that keeps me up at night, makes me shake in fear, want to hide in the back of my closet and disappear from the world
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