So today is Day Three,
And Today was DAY 1 or Ground Zero if you will of my guided ERP's and my self directed ERP sessions. Today my behavioral therapist had me flicking on and off the light switches all around the unit and on the third floor of the unit. regardless of the person/people that are in the room. AND i was not allowed to apologize at all!!! I even told one of the people as i did it " I am NOT sorry". the second self guided exposure that i was working on was letting the doors close behind me and not check that they were actually closed. this is something that caused me alot of stress. I don't like to not look to check things that are behind me to make sure that they are perfectly closed. the third item that i was working on and honestly i wasn't sure that i had a problem with it until she triggered me was that apparently i can get set off by a freezer and refridgerator being opened and closed and not knowing if they are closed or not. and with the exposure i knew that the freezer door was open. And that was an uncertainty that she had me walk away. and i am proud of myself that i didn't go back and check to make sure that the door was close or try to correct the exposure. they call it triggering and they want to you remain triggered. so at the end of the session this morning that lasted two hours. i was 100% triggered and just when i was starting to habitutate the guy in charge triggered me over the insurance sitautions and up and said that he was in constant contact with my insurance company to fight to get a couple of days at a time. what a freaking nightmare.
oh i meant to say earlier after blogging last night i found one of the counsellors on the floor last night and was able to rat myself out about the symmetry in my room and he helped me to break the symmetry and so far i have not gone to correct it. this seemingly small step is a huge step for me becuase i have never been able to deal with someone breaking my symmetry without freaking out. i am just so ready to have my life back, I WANT MY LIFE BACK. I am not willing to let my OCD be in charge of my life any more.
Especially not my horrible symmetry monster.
IN other news!!!
My psychiatrist here is incredibly familiar with the psychogenic nonepileptic seizures. i was so thankful that i burst into tears in her office. i have been waiting so long and trying to hard to find someone who even knows what the words mean and she was 100% familiar with the condition. apparently they are brought on by a traumatic event, and actually alot of people in Europe are aware of them and are in treatment for them.
I am so grateful for being here in treatment. I am worth it. I am worth it. It has taken too long for me to have that self realization.
don't pity me, i don't want.
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