So i have finally worked up enough courage to use the computers in the common room in the inpatient portion of the OCDI. So far i would say that alot of things are going fairly well. I am not going to lie this is a very stressful environment. I am having a hard time getting used to being around so many people. I am in a single room which is good and bad. Right now there are a lot of people behind me that are making me incredibly nervous but this is something that i am trying to habituate and not turn around and check what is going on behind me.
i had a good meeting with my behavioral therapist this morning, so far i have been fortunate or maybe iti s a function of the fact that this a world renowned program, either way i am working really well with the social worker that i have and i connected really well with the behavioral therapist that i have been assigned. it was funny she was asking about the therapist that i was seeing back in my home town and when i told her the name of the guy that i am working with she was impressed and happy. she also was really happy with the progress that i have been making with my therapist back home. I am not going to lie have come a long way from where i was a couple of years ago but i have a long way to go still. I am feeling confident though in the short time that i have been here that this program is really going to work for me.
I am really going to try to break the symmetry that i have tried to create in my room tonight and through myself off but i am not sure if i should try to save this for the ERP work that i am going to be doing tomorrow. I am clinging to the symmtrey right now and part of me wants to rat myself out so that me and my treatment team can start to tackle this beast ASAP because it really is quite the bear of a ritual, and then there is part of me that wants to try to squirrel it away and keep it hidden for as long as possible but i know that i am only going to be cheating myself out of the work that i want to be doing in this program and ultimately it is a self destructive behavior. Now that i have actually written this out i think that i am going to go and find my counselor for the even and rat myself out. and then try to break the symmtery and deal with it. It is so hard becuase right now i am the only person in the ward that has symmtry and perfectionism. I am not sure how they are going to have me work on this but i am sure that they are going to help me grab the bull by the horns.
One thing that was really positive that I accomplished today, was that on my own motivation I got up and got a shower, cursing (not to loudly) and all through the whole thing and enduring a 9.5/10 on my SUDS, but i got through it and i didn't bail and i didn't rewash, which is a REALLY big thing for me.
I have to confess there is a guy in the unit that is working one of my last nerves right now, i don't know that hei s going to last very long in the program, he seems more preoccupied to talk about gutting and pelting animals than acutally working on his rituals. He is so disruptive in the group sessions, and of course i am in the same sessions that he is in. I find myself reciting the serenity prayer over and over again in order to get through some of the times that i am forced to spend around him. Unfortunately it seems when i am trying to socialize he is also out of his room and honestly i am very nervous around him. But enough about that
This is just the whole process of just habituating a new environment and getting used to the fact that you have to deal with living with uncertaninty and that is something i am learning very quickly.
I want my life back. And i am going to do what ever it takes to get it back. end of story.
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