Hello 2:14 AM its been a while. I can't say that I am happy to see you at all, but I know why you are here. And my logical brain doesn't want me to do what you want me to do, but by OCD brain hears you whispering....check...check...check. This morning I am able to roll over and put it off for a while. 2:27AM You aren't going away are you. Can't say I am surprised. You never do. Well maybe this time I just have to pee. I grab my iTouch (big mistake) and head to the bathroom. There are tons of things that I can check using my iTouch in the middle of the night. Check Facebook, Check Email, Check Weather, [should have checked my bank account too that would have saved me a headache this morning], discover I didn't have to pee at all. Flush, feeling drugged from the night time meds but the flush didn't feel right, wash my hands, that didn't feel right either, refuse to wash them again. Never give in to that compulsion. Strong urge to touch the front door lock, didn't do it, small seizure. Compulsion to ritually check back lock, didn't do it, small seizure. Feel drugged from the night time meds. Make my way back to the bedroom through the guest room. Want to check Jasmine...make sure she is still alive, i have to check my baby bunny girl...don't know what i would do if she is dead...I sit up in bed. Fight the urge to go and wake her to check her. The living room is quiet so all the bunnies are asleep. I can't tell if they are alive. There is nothing to prove they are dead either. I take the risk and don't check Jasmine. I cry sitting up in bed and have a 3 min pseuodoseizure. Somewhere before 3 am I am back to sleep. This morning I am awakened by my husband getting dressed, and duchess digging in the living room. I look out into the living room to see Jasmine chinning her water bottle. I wish I could say that was a sigh of relief but I obsess about her all day while I am at work to the point that at times I have to excuse myself to cry in the ladies room if it is a really bad day.
Yesterday I had to go into a part of the building at work that I view to be incredibly contaminated, like if i could wash down with rubbing alcohol and change into brand new clothes afterwards i would. but i can't. and i feel that i bring this contamination home with me. and in my ocd mind it seeps into everything my hair, my skin, my clothes, shoes, socks, you name it the contaimination is in there. So my husband and I are in bed last night and normally his feet are not allowed on my side of the bed because i think his feet are contaminated too. So i was sitting indian style and he goes to try to touch my foot and i freak out because without tell him i have been trying to fight not rubbing my feet to the point of bleeding with a pumice stone all night. This is a behavior that I engaged in about 5-6 years ago, I don't do it any more but if i am in a bad place i may feel the urge to. So i got all upset and told him about it and he talked the logic through with me about not doing it which was helpful. and then the whole checking at 2 am thing happened [see above if for some reason you started down here]. so when i got out of bed this morning and was in the bathroom when i was done brushing my teeth i felt like i hadn't done it perfectly and wanted to do it again but only did it once because a. i am not giving into that compulsion and b i don't think there was enough tooth paste left. and then when i washed my hands after i was done they didn't feel clean and i wanted to wash them again but stopped that compulsion in its tracks because that is a road i refuse to go down. that one will land me in the hospital and i will do anything to stay out of the hospital.
So in positive news NAMI NH has asked me to be part of their "In Our Own Voice" program which works towards changing the public perception of mental illness in the public eye. Which is fantastic because that is what i am working towards. I want to tell my story. I am not ashamed of what life has dealt me. This is something that feels like a second calling to me. I am someone who lives with mental illness everyday of my life, I have a stable life, a healthy loving supportive relationship with my husband, a great group of friends and a career that for the most part is intellectually stimulating. I think that it is important the the world see that what you may see on day time television or on the big screen is not actually how reality is, that it isn't right now treat people with mental illness differently. We have equal rights as anyone and should be treated with the same dignity and respect as the next person. Period. No conditions.
Check out NAMI's link over under the Need Help section to the right!
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