So it is really hard when you are a checker when you have people who are not aware of your disorder start to nagg at you as to whether or not you have double or even triple checked an item or thing especially if you are in a position such as mine where you are working with data that is used to make large financial decisions. that stress these days is really getting to me. i have a feeling that it may have been something that was lurking in the background and sort of working it was up to a fever pitch. it is even worse when you say to someone oh i am just making sure that what i am giving them is the correct information and that i am not missing something (and you are trying to do it in a "normal" amount of time) and through professional and ethical courtesy they say well take as long as you need until you are comfortable releasing it, that is our job in this department to keep the standards of the data that we release really high. which is true, and one of the reasons that i really like working in my department but someitmes it is really crippling because you really can't slip up so this has the ability to send my checking into over drive. it is hard enough getting out of the house let alone checking things at work! I was horrified when my colleague said take as much time as you need until you feel comfortable releasing the data. My heart sank. I said well it would take me days because i would want to go over everythig with a fine tooth comb, which is something that is not an option given the sheer volume of items we are dealing with. I now just realized that this must have been the ritual that cost me my two other jobs in pharmaceuticals, being too careful. I can't work with too rapid of a turn around time because i freak out and miss the mistak that are actually present in the work that i am doing.
I am really sad acutally that i had such a strong checking response to this data analysis, this is because 3 years ago i could sit in from of the computers and stare at these graphs for hours and it was intellectually stimulating and challenging and ENJOYABLE. now looking at them it just brought high anxiety and stress, and i almost wanted to cry, because i wanted to run away from these things that i once loved working with. The OCD checking snuck in the back door and was laying in wait for me to walk in and ruin it for me.
I am seeing now why so many people are unemployeed with this condition. It is really hard and stressful towork with OCD. Some days it is just days filled with 100% panic and anxiety throughout the whole day and i have people ask me well why do you look so upset is everything ok, or why are you crying? and invariably i say oh i am just stressed out or oh i just don't feel good. and when pushed as to why i don't feel good or why i am stressed out it is just a flood gate opening for answers and I find that very few people actually want to listen. Which is i guess why i have started this blog because it is just to get the buzzing thoughts and stress out of my head.
On a side note, now that i have dehoarded parts of my house, the symmetry compulsions are coming into play hard core. i want to touch everything and match it by size and weight and height, and every single parameter. My husband keeps saying how good the rooms look and all i keep seeing is a mess. i almost think that it might have been better when there were items that i had hoarded around the items we were keeping because it was harder to tell if things were symmetrical or not.
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