The Disorder And Family

Ah the topic that no one wants to talk about but I am going to more than touch on it. 

So i had a conversation with my sister and for the first time i think she started to understand how complicated parts of my life are.  it is hard because i am the older sister and i have always felt like i have to be strong for her and it is hard for me right now when i feel like i am falling apart and she is at a turning point in her life when she is really trying to go out on her own.  I have found that over the past two years of diagnosis I have tried to shield her from much of my disorder, the rituals and my therapy.  I told her tonight that I don't want to leave the house very much, that it is hard for me to leave the house other than to go to work and back to the house.  When she and I were living at my father's house I don't think that either one of them knew that I was going down to the basement everynight to check that the garage doors were down and then the two basement doors were closed, followed by the back door by the laundry room, the kitchen slidding door, the front door, that all of the windows were down and locks (like fully locked) and then i had to check the windows upstairs that weren't in the bed rooms that people were sleeping in.  and then i would go into my bedroom and check all of my windows and then lock my bedroom door.  I would sleep for a couple hours and then get up and do it all again.  and again. and again. and again. and no one ever said anything to me.  (this was mainly after mom died) but even before her death i was always checking things. she would ask me to check to make sure that the door was locked.  and it wasn't her fault but she didn't ever say which door i had to check so i had to check them all.  and it killed me when she was sick, especially when it was the house between when i was home with her and my sister would come home, and then for the hours before my father would come home.  the paranoia would hit. that something horrible was going to happen and all of us were going to die.  i couldn't say how it was going to be, and then one day someone left the stove on, and that is when the checking compulsion for the stove kicked in.  but now i am getting off track back to the disorder and family.

So i let my sister in on more of the disorder than i have in the past and i cried because i have been trying to protect her from it.  and with my father i feel that he thinks that there is absolutely nothing wrong with me.  that i am making this all up to get attention he gets angry with me when i start to ritualize about something when i am back at his house, which is incredibly stressful for me, like more than i can articulate.  for christ sake i am going to be 29 next year and i can't stand going home.  i feel that i am dealing with more discrimination in my own family than i do from most of society.  it is really sad.  but i almost feel hated by member(s) of my immediate family.  And i don't know if it is denial that a daughter could be mentally ill or that society has instilled such a horrible view of the mentally ill that to be a family member of someone suffering with something like OCD is something they don't want to be associate with.   Well it is wrong and shameful for a family to have those feelings towards their daughter.  It kills me.  I have lost a huge support in my life.  And I have cried so much over it.  I try not to think about it, but when I do I become so very angry that someone would have the audacity to treat me that way to be angry at me for not being able to control a compulsion.  Or yelling at me while i am having a psychogenic seizure.  It just feels abusive to me. 

People don't think about how their actions affect other people.  People say to me Just stop doing it that is all you have to do. JUST RELAX, WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM. Seriously? You think I want to live my days this way.  I want to spend my life pulling on locked doors and dreading that I might have done something to kill my husband and all of my pets. You seriously think that I am doing this all to get attention.  Who would do this for fun.

No one voluntarily does this. Someone said to me don't you get sick of doing and tired? isn't that enough to make you stop.  I said well when you are coughing when you are sick and you are tired do you stop doing it? well no they said i have get the gunk out of my lungs. my response was exactly except this is the gunk out of my brain.

All I want from my immediate family is a little compassion.  I am not looking for pity or a handout.  Just a little understanding.

On the other hand my husbands family is really supportive of me.  Especially my brother in law, when he was out for our wedding he was really helpful and came with me everywhere for running errands and I felt really safe and it made it a lot easier for me to get out of the house and do the errands that I needed to do to get out of the house.  My in law are fantastic there has never been a judgement and if you would believe it I rarely ritualize about locks or my car or the stove when I am at their house?  You know why? Because I feel safe with them I feel accepted.  And I feel loved. 

My husband.  I am convinced my mother has sent him to watch over me and to protect me. And I love and cherish him.  He supports me so much and loves me entirely. And I couldn't ask for more.  And I love him more than I can ever put in words.  I am so fortunate to have a spouse that is supportive of my treatment, therapy, and helps me when I am stuck.