Dehoarding and Symmetry Flare

So recently i have been talking about dehoarding and how i wasn't aware that this was a problem until my husband started throwing things out. still i have problems when he is picking things up off the floor even scraps of lint or something the rabbits have chewed to smitherins still it is so hard for me to throw those things out.  So as part of my ERP's I have had to dehoard a portion of room every night for the past week.  it has been incredibly hard work I dont know that any ERP i have ever done has felt this challenging.  With the other ones i will just giving up an action now i am giving up objects that i had to do something to acquire.  It is very hard for me to throw out things, I always knew when we were growing up that we were poor, not food stamp or welfare poor, but we got hand me downs instead of new clothes, i was never allowed to through out shoes because some day my sister would be able to wear them, same thing with winter jacks, jeans, anything more durable than a T shirt or underwear or socks.  My mother and father never said out right we are poor what do you want from us and they always tired their best to give us everything that we needed.  We went to the doctor when we were sick and were able to get medication when we were sick but we always had a packed lunch for school and had 25 cents for milk.  Took the bus and rented movies from the library for free.  So anyways, there were somethings in the house that you just didn't throw out.  And i don't know if it is a case of my parents also had issues with hoarding, which i don't think is the case.  My father has the personality disorder version of OCD (OCPD) and always had the house in a particular order that he found comforting and flew off the handle if it is wasn't kept that way.  To this day he would say that it was because of his time in the military that made him organize eveuthing the way he does but let me tell you i see all the signs of OCD in him and all the components of the personality disorder in him as well.  but i am not a doctor so i could be wrong.

So here i am in my late 20's having taken this don't through out anything out to an extreme which is in appropriate.  so fastforward.  I am done dehoarding the bookshelf in the living room.  NOW all i see is a huge MESSY NON SYMMETRICAL group of books and candles.  And i get horribly upset. because i have dehoarded this bookshelf which is incredibly stressful for me and now i am faced with a huge challenge in that the one thing that i will always turn to when stressed is the one thing that i can't do! Symmetrically clean up the bookshelf.  So i burst into tears and have pseudoseizures.  it is so miserable.  i can't hoard things that isn't healthy and i want to ritualize so badly to deal with the stress of dehoarding and i can't i have to do a second ERP.  it is miserable. it makes me angry and sad. and frusterated. i hate this disorder. i hate that i will be doing ERP's for the rest of my life.  It is a depressing out come. it is such a hard diagnosis to swallow.

my husband was saying that NPR (national public radio) was talking about treatments for OCD and deep brain stimulation came up as an effective treatment.  he said he thought i should look into it, i got so upset because to me it just seems like a new form of a lobotomy.  I get upset because he is worried that I am on too many medications, that i shouldn't take as much of the benzodiazepam as i am on (i am not exceeded rx dosage), what if you take benedryl instead he asked me, what if we got a dog that slept with us (i would love to but i lease won't allow it)  It is hard, I am stabilized on the medication i am taking and it seems when ever i talked to someone about my meds they have some brillant idea that i shouldn't be on so many and that there must be away for me to be on less of them.  well good luck pal, that aint how being mentally ill works, at least not for me anyway.