I am really struggling right now.
I have been staying really well on my medications not missing a dose or anything. Which is even more frustrating for me because I think that it could be time for a medication adjustment and I don't look forward to those.
I am seriously considering trying to obtain a psychiatric service dog to help me out. My husband thinks that it would be a really good thing for me to have. I have come to discover how ever that on AVERAGE they run $20,000-$30,000USD.
Which isn't money that is in the cards right now or the forseeable future. And I think I could really benefit from one.
My depression is getting worse, I feel myself falling deeper into the hole as I refer to it. Where everything becomes alittle numb-er and darker. Where I want to cry more where the things that are internal hurt more. And the OCD has more power. Where the checking and symmetry compulsions take over. My paranoia is getting worse too. I am having a hard time getting out of the house.
We went out with a very close friend of mine and my husbands this weekend with her boyfriend to an Airshow and I could barely handle it. I mean I had fun watching the plans, fascinated actually. But the crowds were so hard to handle, I don't like being bumped into and I don't like being in close proximity to other people and it was just really hard. And I felt really contaminated. We had to take shuttle buses in from where we parked. And the shuttles were infact school buses. And we were packed in. And I will share a detail about me. I am 5 foot 10 inches tall. Trying to sit in a school childs seat. uncomfortable to say the least. So contamination and just being jam packed in like sardines. It was hot and I didn't stay as hydrated as I should have. So just the crowds and everything got to me more than I thought it would. Since I have moved out of Boston to a quieter part of the country it has been really hard for me to get back into more crowded areas. It is just really rough.
Anyway, moving away from the weekend. I am really finding it hard to aggressively go after my ERP work as I have been able to in the past. I feel like I am running up against a wall. I have so much fear surround our bathroom I would rather never go in there ever again. Which is horrible not to want to use the bathroom in your own house. I have sorta stopped dehoarding for the time being, I should push forward with it but the spark of lets move forward with this has died and I feel so overwhelmed by it and it is so seizure inducing and I don't want to have the seizures. I am so sick of experiencing them. I just want them to stop, I don't want them anymore. Not that I ever wanted them in the beginning but I especially don't want them anymore. They feel like the world is ending around me and that I am going go to have a heart attack while I am having them.
It is just miserable. I am just not in a good place right now. Now to "Keep Calm and Carry On" or as close to that as I can muster.
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